Worth the Wait
We are expecting Baby Number 3!
We will officially be out numbered in December 2020!
Our Journey:
In February our church had an Ash Wednesday service with a couple different stations. To be honest, I don’t remember much about any of the other stations but there was a clay one. The instructions were something like “God created you, create something with the clay to remember that.” I don’t really remember the rules because I didn’t follow them. I took a piece of clay and squeezed it so hard. I cried out to God, knowing after 3.5 years, it was time to let go of the idea of baby #3. I held that piece of clay tight for quite a while before I could truly let go and after I did - I treasured that clay as a symbol of my submission to God’s plan. Believing, knowing His plan is far better than mine. Unanswered prayers aren’t the absence of God and life’s disappointment isn’t the omission of hope if we put all our hope in Christ alone. Easier said than done.
Goodness of God - By Bethel This song carried me through that time. It was easy to want to focus on the disappointment - to speak the pain. Instead, “With every breath that I am able, I will sing of the goodness of God” And as much as I wanted to keep to my plan, to be mad that my future wasn’t what I envisioned, I needed to choose to give it all to Him. “With my life laid down, I surrender now, I give you everything.” Gosh - I am playing this song as I type these words and without fail the lump in my throat returns.
In response to my surrender, I got rid of all my baby stuff, celebrated the last payment for Nathan’s preschool, started training for a triathlon and even got Lasik eye surgery in March. Mid April was when His plan was revealed: I am pregnant.! To say the least, it has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.
My Lesson:
This all started with the word ‘disappointment’. A few years back on a youth retreat - the speaker asked the kids what they were most afraid of. Of course, naturally I asked myself the same question and my answer was: disappointment. That night I asked God to teach me more about disappointment so the fear would no longer have a hold on me. I have a few unanswered prayers in my life- but God seemed eager to answer that one. Throughout the 3.5 years, I have learned more about disappointment than I thought was possible and each lesson shed light on my true provider: Jesus Christ.
Lesson 1: Mindset
My attention was first directed to the story of the cross. And there were two disciples who had different reactions to the crucifixion. There was Peter: who denied he ever followed Jesus and John: who wept at the foot of the cross. In the midst of my disappointment each month - I found myself preparing myself for the disappointment. When the negative symbol popped up month after month, I denied that I thought it would be positive anyway as a defense mechanism. That is a Peter mindset. How do we shift to a John mindset? Weep at the foot of the cross - he hears our cries. Then trust in His goodness and wait for the joy in the morning. Which brings me to lesson 2: Waiting. But that is for another time.
Sharing Our Joy:
Telling Mike:
So like I mentioned - we had completely given up the idea of another baby but there were signs that I couldn’t deny! So in true panic fashion, I acme-Instacarted (is that a verb?) the test that revealed I was pregnant. Mike was busy on the phone so my witty self put the test in a box and decorated the top of the box (see picture above) and gave it to Mike. He threw it once he realized I didn’t wrap up a thermometer. We kept it our little miracle our little secret for a week or two - mainly out of complete shock!
Telling the Boys:
We tried to be creative with the boys - Braedon was really into hangman during quarantine so we created a hangman message in the backyard. Even after solving the puzzle, the boys still had no idea what “Baby Smith coming in December” meant but once that lightbulb came on, they were so excited!
Telling Our Friends
Somewhere in the 3.5 years, my sister bought me a bracelet that said ‘hope’ because she knew the heartache of waiting for a child. In February she gifted me this GRIT necklace. I cried when she gave it to me but it gave me a sense of validation. The necklace came with a description and the first line read: “She is unshakable, not because she doesn’t know pain or failure, but because she always pushes through.” When I got the exciting news in April - it came with a flood of guilt when I thought of a few of my friends still trying to have their first. I was so fearful to tell my life-long friend because she is still enduring the disappointment. We had shared our heartache month after month and it still seems unfair. After my second Dr’s appointment I knew I couldn’t put off telling her any longer- I wanted her to be the first of my friends to know. I went to her house and with tears in my eyes, I took off my necklace and told her the significance of the necklace. I told her I no longer needed the necklace reminder, that it truly exemplifies who she is and how she is a stronger woman for weathering this season. What could only be described as a girly squeal of joy that escaped her lungs after I uttered the words “I’m pregnant” solidified just how amazing of a friend she is.
This is life in my lane, I hope it helps you navigate yours!
-Christy Smith